She kept repeating, “I should be moving on.” Sometimes, it is all about being pushed around by the waves, how their blueness swallows you, and how you lose against their depth. You feel unnecessary and weak. You feel how cruel they are, even nature, the mother of us all. You ask yourself why even nature does not care about how heavy things may be sometimes, while it should have been affectionate towards you. 

 

It was a summer night when she said those words for the first time. It was her moving to a new country for her dream, all alone by leaving everything behind without even looking back for once. There was a dream to chase for her, dreams to come true. The dreams that she dedicated herself to since high school, maybe sacrificing some special memories that will never come back again, even if she wanted them so hard. She said, “I should be moving on,” while lying on the water at two AM, feeling the neon fishes floating under the water as falling stars. It was her birthday wish to be here since she was six years old. With every newly added candle, she felt that she approached her goal a little more. She thought it was what would make her happy, and never knew that there might be a different story written for her. 

 

Life was unexpected. The first day she entered that huge skyscraper with the biggest crystal glass walls she had ever seen, she was amazed by the beauty of that place. It was the office of the tech company she wanted to work for as an engineer, Google. She wanted to be the first woman that designed a new app which would beat every single one created before this one. And after university, Google was her starting point, where she was going to gain experience and expand her knowledge. Meanwhile, she was going to start her own small business to raise some more funds for her app. Everything was planned, step by step. Getting drunk at seventeen, those parties, picnics with friends, vacations with family, dates with the love of her life, and the sleepovers with the girls have never been her high school life. It was the sleepless nights for her future and her dream. There was no pressure, it was she who wanted that since she was six, seeing the president of her country on TV, saying that women should not be laughing out loud in public. The day she promised herself that someday she would be someone that people like him would wonder how a “woman” did this all by herself. 

 

But the birthday wishes were lies, and those memories should have been lived even if they won’t be remembered. Even if the names or the people were gone, she would not be wondering how it felt to have a girls' sleepover, or whether getting drunk was the way she imagined. At the end, it was all gone. 

 

She couldn’t win the games over the waves, she got lost in the ocean. Once she realised that chasing her dream was not chasing happiness, she didn’t know what to do. It was the way she lived for twenty years, it was her purpose to live. She didn’t know how to live without a purpose, like someone wandering around but not knowing where to go. But it was the beauty of life. Starting to know herself, realising who she is, and getting to know more people and places while walking around. Seeing new colours, tasting new meals, learning new words, entering new buildings… There was a chair left for her at a table that she had never seen before. It was life and to live. Where she was going to sit should never have been known before; which was also impossible. Life was a sea, and if she were to get into a fight with those waves, she would fall and get hurt. But if she let them drag her, they would definitely help her find her way.