Begüm Ayata

I was 12 when I first started noticing it, the chances that were taken away from me. We were going on a school trip with my brother and that’s when I noticed the trust that was given to him, not me. They told him to look after me, even though we were the same age. They told him to handle the money, even though he didn’t know anything about it more than me. I spent the entire school trip wondering, why? I couldn’t get an answer though. None of us did, we just went with it. 

I was 22 when it occurred to me to think about the chances that had been  taken away from me. I wanted to study for my master’s degree, but I couldn’t because of my boyfriend and that’s when I noticed how I was accepting every idea that was coming from them. He told me to not go for it since once we got married, I would be a stay at home mom, throwing away every piece of hard work I had put into my studies. I spent months rethinking my decision, calculating the “if’s” and the “why’s”. I thought “would I do the same thing to him if it was the other way around”, but I couldn't get an answer though. None of us did, we just went with it.

I was 32 when it started growing in me: the chances that were taken away from me. I was spending my days looking after my kids, taking care of our house and waiting for my husband. That’s when I finally accepted it. He was working and I was waiting for him to earn our living and that was my life. It could have been us working together but I had chosen this path and I was going to go with it. I spent years wondering what made me accept and what could have happened if I had said “No.” But I was fine with it, all of us were fine with it, still without answers though. None of us got one, we just went with it.

I was 42 when I started standing up against it, the chances that were taken away from me. I was finally done with accepting it and finally managed to say “No.” and that’s when I finally understood everything that was directing me and my decisions. I said no to my husband for the first time in my two decade long marriage. I spent days wondering “how could I not do this before”. I couldn’t find an answer though. None of us did, we just went with it.

I was 52 when I realized I was too late to question it, the chances that were taken away from me. I died without being able to find an answer to it, and that’s when I finally understood, none of us was gonna be able to do anything about it, because we just went with it. This was not philosophy, we should have gotten answers centuries ago. Millions of us died fighting for it and millions of us died while not even looking for an answer. What was leading this, why did we go with it, why couldn’t we do anything about it, and what could we be doing about it? Could we notice it before, while we were younger? Would that really change anything? Would that change anything about the chances that were taken away from us?